Thoughts

Hello, friends. It’s Lokian. (Eric.) Been a bit since I was here. A recent event has motivated me to write again, however.
Thursday (May 26) I had a commutation hearing, in which I was given five no recommendations by the board that interviewed me.

I’d gone in doing what I’ve done for 15 years – debating the fairness of my life without parole sentence over what happened between Jamey and I, my criminal case, going after the courts and the system itself.
They let me know, in no uncertain terms, that I lacked remorse and wasn’t fit for society.
… It took about a day for the dust to settle, and since then I’ve been a psychological MESS.
Not because they were harsh with me, not because they said no, but because they were RIGHT.

I’m the man that has let mental illness ruin his life, and, 15 years ago, the lives of many others as well. All these years I’ve been fighting for a lowered sentence, blind to the devastating effects of my actions that night.
I hurt so many people, and for these jail and prison years been hiding from that behind a few case facts. The truth is – what the law says I deserve for that night, and what actual sentence I got, DON’T MATTER. What will be will be.
I’ll be out one day if fate determines it. If not, here I’ll be. (I can’t even apply for commutation of this life sentence for another decade anyway.)
What I do know for sure, though, is that I feel like shit. My anger and arrogance, my indignance, has turned to self-loathing. Shame.
I’ve said time and again that I didn’t feel bad for doing what I had to, for what Jamey both wanted and made happen, but that I felt bad for the grief his family suffered. And that was wrong of me. That was a selfish, heartless, fucked up way of thinking.
Jamey was a good man. I would bring him back if I could. I’d let my mental illness go unchecked for so long, thinking my anger was normal, thinking the dark things I liked were powerful and fun and thrilling. And a man lost his life, and many people grieve to this day because of that.
…I don’t know how to undo this, there IS NO WAY to undo this. I don’t even know how to begin to make up for it.
I know I owe his family a great debt.
I’m so sorry for everything, all that happened that night. Every bit.

I’m in process of getting contact info for Victim Services. I meant what I said in the interview – I want his family and friends, even anonymously, to be able to tell me their thoughts, how I’ve hurt them, if they wish. I don’t deserve forgiveness, I know this, but if it helps them to contact me then I want that door fully opened. I don’t know if the prison will allow it or not, I don’t know what can be done. Yet. I will soon.

More will be forthcoming.
All thoughts are welcomed.
Talk soon.

-Eric

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